Sad

Probably stupid of me but earlier I wrote a teenie post on FB about being tired of being broken all the time. Although the virtual hug comments were all very lovely and much appreciated, it doesn't really make them a real hug. Wish I could have a really big hug.. one where I could hide and all the bad things would go away. Anyway, I wrote a message back to an e-friend and I guess it covers what I'm feeling right now.

Thanks for the mail. Yeah you're right but it's not that I'm pissed off, it's that I'm sad. I hate my life right now, I'm tired of being in pain or ill all the time. I'm tired of being a horrible burden on the people I love, having no independence and everything is a struggle. I'm totally disconnected from my friends and sisters. The whole world keeps turning and I'm stuck still wallowing in self pity even though it's more like sadness and frustration. I'm tired. I feel guilty for moaning about it as there's nothing I can do and.. Oh I don't know. I just want some of my life back. The last few days I've had the other condition i suffer with (for years) come back quite badly. If something was fixable then maybe I would feel happier.. but nothing I have is. I'm just a defect wrapped in a normal looking person. Mostly I can put up with that but the last few days have been harder. I appreciate the hug.. thank you.

It's been a rough few days. Seems like any times I get the funny feelings in my chest my insides turn to water and the cramps come. Tonight wasn't so painful but it was very unpleasant. My heart seemed to.. tickle.. and then I felt quite sick and the cramps started.. then a rush to the loo. How pleasant.