This was the trick Dr appointment. The one where my current neurologist says 'oh I'll get a second opinion' (me thinking neurologist) rather than actually telling me 'I don't believe what the last neuropsychologist said, I think it's Anxiety, I'll pass you onto someone who will agree with me'.
I get there, sit down in his office and he looks a nice person to start with. He starts asking me questions and foolishly I didn't bring notes with me as I assumed he would just put them aside like most of the other doctors did. I try to remember bits as well as possible, I show him the thing with the leg raising, sit back down and try to talk through the events. Once he started asking more specific questions he seemed to become quite abrupt and I felt though he either couldn't hear or didn't understand some things that I was saying. When I mentioned one of the hospitals I saw doctors at he didn't know what that was and asked if it was a clinic somewhere. He didn't know what Hypermobility was and seemed not to know what Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, Endometriosis or Chiari is either. This filled me with confidence. He asked about my Father, his work and illness, how old he was. Briefly asked about sisters, mother and what they do. He then sat back and stared at me and made the following points.
- There is no possible physical condition that can cause my symptoms.
- The raising of the legs, movement and pressure on the vein (temple) cannot possibly have any impact on any condition and that is not medically possible.
- The reaction of the thrombolysis was the result of the placebo effect.
- His diagnosis is that this is definitely psychiatric and caused by anxiety.
- The problems with my voice and throat were due to my fathers thyroid problems (which did not occur until long after my first collapse). The whole situation may be related to my fathers poor health prior to my first collapse (My symptoms began in September, fathers in November). Also indicated the anxiety was due to my sisters health problem in February, however, as I told him, I didn't know about this until months later.
- I am judging doctors on the basis of my previous treatment regarding the Endometriosis.
After telling me all this he sits back again, staring at me, watching my reaction. Of course, I am upset and want to throw something at the arrogant prick. He has the nerve to say 'oh I'm sorry this isn't what you were hoping to hear'. I quote "You look crestfallen"..Yeah Mr Arsehat, I was hoping to hear I'm terminally ill.. God, what is wrong with these people? I have a problem and all I want to happen is for someone to take it seriously and take the time to actually look into it. I had HOPE, that is why I'm crestfallen! Because once again I've ended up in the consulting rooms of a sad breed of doctor. Mr Dr-Who-Knows-Everything has spoken and has made a complete medical diagnosis having heard my hashed explanation of what's going on, seen only one referral letter which isn't even accurate, looked at no test results and has performed no examination himself. He was 100% sure that his diagnosis was correct and I need no tests. He told me though that he could quite easily have initiated an attack if he'd had wished to. Right.. Okay.
He states that it's obvious from my reaction that I don't believe his 'diagnosis'.. How can I not? I'm not a sheep. He says (quote) 'Oh no doubt you will go off and find more doctors to do tests' (you patronising prick).. I say no, that I will go back to my GP with his letter and discuss with her what she thinks. He asks me how I will continue, so I reply that I just will and if no one will help then I will just have to learn like this. He says but you can't and again, I say I will have to. He asks me to seriously consider CBT and of course I say I will rule nothing out. I have however attended CBT twice (2009-2010) in the past due to my 'anxiety pain' caused by my brain (which was actually Endometriosis strangling up my organs). In the first case it caused a lot of family upset and nothing but stress, and the second 12 week course made absolutely no difference as the diagnosis of anxiety was wrong to start with. It was interesting and educational however and amazing to see what people went though. Anyway, apparently the previous neuropsychologist I saw back in April '12 who told me it wasn't anxiety was brushed off and his diagnosis was considered wrong or irrelevant even though he's one of the few who actually tried to look into the symptoms.
He links this 'anxiety' and voice issue to both to the stress of my sister and my dad being ill, but unfortunately for him the time frame is all wonky and it doesn't make a lot of sense. Of course I would have been stressed by my dad being in hospital but you COPE and you have to. It's sad but he improved and was home in November. My collapse didn't happen until the end of January. I didn't find out about my sister until months afterwards. I can't help but feel these 'doctors' are grasping for straws and just attaching things to logically fitting life events.
Later at the end I tell him that my I also have a twisted bone in my neck and my neck was arching the wrong way and he did a slight double take. He'd not even bothered to ask about investigations. Yet again, remember there is NO physical problem with me. None at all.
I have never before been sat in a room with such an arrogant, self absorbed prick. I can't think of any nice words to say about a person who thinks they know everything and is so blind and blinkered by their own self importance. Just because you have a title does not make you a genius.
I just don't understand.. I can physically feel in my feet and by touching the area right now the vibrating/bubbling in the veins in my feet as I have them crossed up under me. People I speak with over the phone hear my voice going and say 'stand up!' so that my voice returns. No, I'm not a stuck up, arrogant (this word can't be used enough in this post) doctor who knows everything, but I'm not stupid enough to believe that something you can physically control and initiate is anxiety.
Yet, of course I understand that anxiety can have a huge role to play in illness and yes, maybe I am wrong and all this is due to anxiety. My god I must be super anxious.. like, really! I don't have a problem if it is, I want to be better, I want to be fixed. I fight against this so hard because of the manner in which it gets labelled on you. It's like 'well we don't know so it's anxiety'. If I had accepted that in 2010 I have no idea how damaged my insides would be right now and how much pain I would be in.. It honestly scares me to think that way.
If it really is anxiety though I would have thought that I'd have had at least three attacks today and last night alone based on how annoyed I was then and now. Yet nothing.
I've heard it all before from arrogant, self absorbed, blinkered doctors. I'm so, so sick of it. I guess in a way I should be glad, it gives me more motivation to write this all down in a book.
I just don't know what I'll do next though.
On leaving the appointment I was in tears and I just couldn't stop them, I was furious. It didn't really help that when I turned my phone back on I had a really shitty on there too.. *sigh*
